For the past two months Specimen #1 and a few other friends have been urging me to try online dating because they feel that is the best way that I can meet new people. My reply is, “I don’t want to meet the ‘generic’ new people. I want to meet new people that the people I already know have prescreened.” Especially, considering I am a single mother.
As I have already stated, my friends do not know anyone that meets my qualifications (Specimen #1 says he knows people but then he would be jealous SMH). Anyway, my qualifications are not too extreme, and no I am not a snob, but my qualifications have taken shape over the past 10 years based on experience. They are as follows, in no specific order of priority: mature, psychologically sound, easy on the eyes, independent (i.e. does not live in their parents’ basement), 26-36 years of age, employed, and holding a Master’s degree or higher. I am sure the last requirement is raising some eyebrows; even my “beloved” Mother commented that with each degree I earn, I wipe out another subsection of the global male population. I guess she will really be crying at graduation when she watches her almost 30 year old daughter obtain that PhD in 2 years. The fact of the matter is that every man I have dated lacks a degree (on a side note Specimen #2 has a Bachelor’s degree he is not putting to good use, but fails in some of the other important categories). This lack of degree translates into the majority of my exs’ having no understanding or appreciation for what I am trying to do and in some cases jealousy because they believe I am more successful. The result is that these men start trying to compensate for their educational shortcomings by sabotaging mine in an effort to bring me down to their level. It obviously hasn’t happened.
So I took all these qualifications and presented them in a manner that was toned down and started my very own online dating profile. And yes, as a feminist, I was extremely ambivalent about creating my own advertisement and I ultimately didn’t sell very well and yes it did feel like a form of online prostitution but here it is:
I am a hardworking and dedicated 26 year old PhD candidate /single mom. I am interested in meeting people that are educated, motivated and actually know what is going on in the world. People have described me as witty but I find myself to be a little on the sarcastic side. Overall, I am pretty laid back and not too nerdy for a PhD candidate, although I do have my moments. I am an excellent cook and know how to keep a clean house and an organized life. I am extremely social and enjoy hanging out and going places with my friends and family but at the same time can equally appreciate a quiet evening at home.
I also added that people should message me if they have a similar background and are looking for a long-term relationship/friendship. Then I selected two pictures, one with my hair straight, and one with my hair curled, that are representative of what I look like on a daily basis.
As you can imagine after succumbing to the demands to try online dating, I really feel as if I am giving into yet another hallmark of patriarchal-capitalism. I get to be the commodity on the dating “stock-exchange.” The best part is I got to objectify myself first before being objectified by others (sarcasm). Talk about double-entanglement.
I have been messaged 7 times in the past 5 days of having this profile up. All 7 make some remark about me being “cute,” having “nice pics” or saying you’re “gorgeous.” A few even included phone numbers and IM user names. One went like this, “Hi how you...very nice pics, are are you single? “ First of all, you can’t be remotely educated because of course I am single; I am on the online dating site!!! PASS. Another went like this, “Hi cutie, how are you doing?” My answer in my mind, “Cutie is not a good first pick-up line, my cat is cute, my child is cute and I was doing fine until you pissed me off by messaging me with that bullshit.” RUN FAST. For those of you wondering, the other 5 messages where equally ridiculous and degrading.
Am I flattered? No. Am I disgusted? Yes. Not one of them described anything about themselves such whether they are educated etc. I could do this at the bar and at least get a drink or two out of it. I am starting to think with the responses I have received thus far that perhaps as time goes on, my stock value is depreciating on the general market and on the online exchange it is absolutely tanking.
Which online site was this? Some are better than others. From the average (low) intelligence factor of those replies, it sounds like Match.com which is basically just a meet/meat market. I had some better experiences with Eharmony.com. Then again, I haven't tried any in a couple years. I haven't heard great things about plentyoffish or freecupid but never tried them myself. You could experiment and see what varying responses you'd get from the same profile posted on different sites! Ha ha. Good luck! -- kcc
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI was recently provided a link to your blog by a friend and have spent the last few minutes reading it. After thinking about some of the information you provided in the “Online Dating -The Other Stock Market” there was one idea that came to mind. I realized that your qualifications for a partner are just a cover to hide the fact that you have traded a relationship with a man for a relationship with your PhD. With that being said there is nothing wrong with that but be honest with yourself.
I would imagine with the amount of time an effort you have put into getting your PhD that there has been much time to anything else. Once again there is nothing wrong with that as it is turn-on when a women has goals and achieves them. This is also impressive because you are a single mom.
I too have stipulations that after reading your post may even be equally ridiculous. In my case I do realize that a relationship is a matter of give intake and compromise will probably not get everything I want in a mate but that is ok if I’m happy.
As I know one of your friends but I have never met you. I have to say that you are an attractive women looking at your some pictures. You are highly motivated so I’m a little confused on what the problem is. Are you ready to stop looking at men as “specimens” and begin to look at them as potential partners? Dating is not a science despite what those reality shows tell you. Sometimes you just have to suspend logic and reason and go for it just because it feels right.
As a 36 year old male, it’s time to wake-up and stop hiding behind academics and experience the opposite sex. Sure not every guy your meet is going to be perfect and you may get hurt before he shows up but that’s life…deal with it.
Most people I know that have been married for longer than 15 years tell me that at the end of the day you need someone who is reliable and that you can talk to. I’ve never heard anyone say well had he had his masters or PhD the relationship would have been stronger. Put simply if tomorrow was the last day on earth what kind of person would you want to spend the day with.
Just some thoughts,
-M
MT-Thanks for you comment. I can see how you would come to that conclusion about my qualifications since you do not know me personally, however those that know me personally agree with my qualifications having been there throughout the years. As for my PhD I actually do not spend as much time on it as I probably should because I made a commitment to myself that I would not sacrifice a social-life for a PhD. Also, it is not that I do not experience sex and give people a chance, the problem is that I am too nice and in the past two years every guy I meet only wants to be a friend with benefits, which I am not up for. Hence I have raised my qualifications. Also, I do look at men as potential partners, there is an inside story why I used the word 'specimen" to refer to my two guy friends. Anyway thanks for the taking the time to read and comment and perhaps I will be a little clearer since people that do not know me personally are reading this.
ReplyDelete