If I had to caption this week's edition of Misadventures of a Single Mom, it would be "OMG, This Cannot Be My Options!!!" Let's start with last Monday. I went and watched the Mexico vs. Brazil match at 10am with a co-worker at the only bar that was open. The conversation of course gravitates to relationships....After she tells me a bit about her new girlfriend, we shift to my situation. It seems like everyone has potential options for me, and she is no exception. Her first option is her administrative assistant, who is going through a divorce. Second option is another recently divorced friend that is living in her basement. I have nothing against divorcees, but I am not going to be anybody's rebound while they are in the thick of a bust up. Also, no offense, but I am through with basement dwellers. Specimen #2 was so comfortable in his parents basement that after 8 years of dating he still was not ready to leave.
Moving to the 4th of July, another 30 something lives at home with parents tried to, in the words of my spawn "low key hit on you." He did it via my spawn though, omg, not cool. While I am out setting of fireworks outside at a mutual friends house party, he is playing investigator with my spawn. Questions included, "Is your mom single again?" and "You know, I am only a year or so younger than your mother?" He asked me out to lunch today too..... First of all, in the 5 years I have know you, you have never had a job! And, you're not necessarily the nicest person to the ladies or other human beings for that matter! Oh, and you still live with your parents!!!!!! Le sigh
Grand finale was Saturday night at my friend's birthday party. He and his wife have been trying to set me up with a friend of theirs' for quite some time. My reaction has always been "NO", followed by a concession that he does have some redeeming qualities -- finishing his Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering, funny, cute, etc. but our personalities just do not seem compatible, and according to the Facebook, he really likes his cat. He rarely speaks to me anyway during the two to three times I see him at parties every year. We were on a trip to Costa Rica two years ago as well for work/school and I think he said maybe 2 complete sentences to me. Although, recently he did message me on the Facebook inquiring about my hiking and if he could join and entertain me with "inappropriate jokes." I really did not know what to do with that one. And, he is also Jewish. Now, I have nothing against the Jews, I am just not religious. In fact, after my Pakistani-Muslim ex, I am healed of all religions. Plus, I lack all eye-motor coordination, which means I cannot spin the dreidel. Minus 1 for me. Furthermore, I am looking out for him because I have more baggage than a Samsonite store. Minus 2 for me. There is also the anticipated familial response, my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. Minus 3 for me. Finally, I do not think his parents will relish the idea of him bringing home a "shiksha" much less one with spawn Minus 1000 for me.
Reminder to self, this is a friend's birthday and we are coming to the party of that reason, but said friends keep pushing me so I challenge myself to be open to the friend that is being offered up to me. So, again, I am miserable at this so I try to make eye contact and hoping he will engage in conversation --- next to nothing in response. He did ask for a beer, but that is rather unremarkable. And, let's not forget the loud-mouthed spawn is present making jokes about me using Tinder and the Christian Mingle.com and crying in my room at night. Remember, from earlier post, I do not do online dating or dating at all for that matter. Anyway, so I thought I was done at this point, but this is a Mexican birthday party, so the tequila came out. Don Julio to be precise. Consequently, I decided on a whim that this is my last effort to engage with this guy. So, I walk him over a small glass of tequila (like a shot of Tylenol for toddlers). I offer it to him, and he proceeds to spend the next 5 minutes explaining that he does not want it. Okay, cool, next option vodka (he's Russian). Still no. BTW he drinks, I have seen him, I got him the beer earlier, so it was not like a pushing a drink on a recovering alcohol or teetotaler. I am pretty sure it must be me, I could have probably offered him a glass of Manischewitz at this point and he wouldn't take it. The only brightside is he actually talked to me, however, the refusals continued and this was beginning to not only feel awkward but look awkward, so I walked away and drank the tequila. Hell, I don't even like tequila. The real nail in the coffin, however, was that he went in the house and makes coffee. FUCKING COFFEE!!!! Then mutual friend has the never to come over and ask me, "how's it going." My response, dead, it is dead in the water...OMG give me another drink.
