I got "Single" Cell Disease and my "Doctors" keep handing out Placebos

A friend of mine in her 40s read my blog entry yesterday and responded by saying "Great stuff...very funny... just slightly painful to read as a possibly chronically single person myself." As I read her comment, I began to think about her use of the phrase "chronically single" to describe her condition and I linked it with the larger discursive frame of illness. By the way, I have a MA in Intercultural Communication and specialize in discourse analysis, both written and visual texts, so I can analyze anything into the ground. Anyway, her use of "chronically single" made me realize that both her and I are abnormal in terms of U.S. society's dominant social norms. And, keeping with the theme of illness, I am going to go ahead and self-diagnose this disease as "Single Cell Disease." This is what someone with Single Cell Disease looks like at a party:

Now for you happily married or otherwise entangled readers, don't get too comfortable, because this disease is communicable. It strikes both the young (like myself) and the old. So as you sit there relieved that you are not afflicted, just remember you still have to get through the mid-life crisis and what I like to call "Trading Season," which is when you all get bored with your marriages/relationships and cheat. Some of you already have signs of early onset, remember my Option A. 

As someone trying to cure myself of this disease I have increasingly relied on  conversation therapy with my friends, which is starting to mimic the whole doctor/patient relationship. I wonder when they are going to start charging me a co-pay. The problem with this arrangement is that all my "doctors" are not really qualified to handle my case. They are all married/entangled, and all before the age of 26. Now my single male friends, I'm convinced they're presenting fraudulent credentials, because they always try to prescribe sex therapy, and I am pretty sure this violates the whole doctor code of ethics. It may even be illegal. I'll have to look into this, especially with Specimen #1, considering he has that girlfriend. I'm sure there is a breach of contract in there somewhere. 

I guess I'll end this on a note of fairness. Aside from all their shortcomings as "doctors," these friends do share some common characteristics with a doctor. For one, even when they are supposed to be "on call" they can never seem to return a call or text. They are always hard to get an appointment with, and, when you do secure a visit, they make you wait forever and visits typically last for about 15 to 20 minutes. This is just long enough for them to tell you all about their fabulous lives that I already read about on Facebook earlier in the day. The visit typically concludes with the prescription of advice, on how to cure myself of Single Cell Disease. I swear they are handing me placebos because none of it ever works. And then it is over, and I feel like I feel after going to the "real" doctor with my 103 degree fever about to vomit on his floor and he tells me to drink some juice and get some rest and I'll be better in a few days. With Single Cell Disease, it's been two years,  and I haven't gotten better, maybe it's time to find some new doctors that or some drugs that work.