Just Take the Damn Drink! OMG, This Cannot Be My Options

If I had to caption this week's edition of Misadventures of a Single Mom, it would be "OMG, This Cannot Be My Options!!!" Let's start with last Monday. I went and watched the Mexico vs. Brazil match at 10am with a co-worker at the only bar that was open. The conversation of course gravitates to relationships....After she tells me a bit about her new girlfriend, we shift to my situation. It seems like everyone has potential options for me, and she is no exception. Her first option is her administrative assistant, who is going through a divorce. Second option is another recently divorced friend that is living in her basement. I have nothing against divorcees, but I am not going to be anybody's rebound while they are in the thick of a bust up. Also, no offense, but I am through with basement dwellers. Specimen #2 was so comfortable in his parents basement that after 8 years of dating he still was not ready to leave. 

Moving to the 4th of July, another 30 something lives at home with parents tried to, in the words of my spawn "low key hit on you." He did it via my spawn though, omg, not cool. While I am out setting of fireworks outside at a mutual friends house party, he is playing investigator with my spawn. Questions included, "Is your mom single again?" and "You know, I am only a year or so younger than your mother?" He asked me out to lunch today too..... First of all, in the 5 years I have know you, you have never had a job! And, you're not necessarily the nicest person to the ladies or other human beings for that matter! Oh, and you still live with your parents!!!!!! Le sigh

Grand finale was Saturday night at my friend's birthday party. He and his wife have been trying to set me up with a friend of theirs' for quite some time. My reaction has always been "NO", followed by a concession that he does have some redeeming qualities -- finishing his Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering, funny, cute, etc. but our personalities just do not seem compatible, and according to the Facebook, he really likes his cat. He rarely speaks to me anyway during the two to three times I see him at parties every year. We were on a trip to Costa Rica two years ago as well for work/school and I think he said maybe 2 complete sentences to me. Although, recently he did message me on the Facebook inquiring about my hiking and if he could join and entertain me with "inappropriate jokes." I really did not know what to do with that one. And, he is also Jewish. Now, I have nothing against the Jews, I am just not religious. In fact, after my Pakistani-Muslim ex, I am healed of all religions. Plus, I lack all eye-motor coordination, which means I cannot spin the dreidel. Minus 1 for me. Furthermore, I am looking out for him because I have more baggage than a Samsonite store. Minus 2 for me. There is also the anticipated familial response, my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. Minus 3 for me. Finally, I do not think his parents will relish the idea of him bringing home a "shiksha" much less one with spawn Minus 1000 for me.  

Reminder to self, this is a friend's birthday and we are coming to the party of that reason, but said friends keep pushing me so I challenge myself to be open to the friend that is being offered up to me. So, again, I am miserable at this so I try to make eye contact and hoping he will engage in conversation --- next to nothing in response. He did ask for a beer, but that is rather unremarkable. And, let's not forget the loud-mouthed spawn is present making jokes about me using Tinder and the Christian Mingle.com and crying in my room at night. Remember, from earlier post, I do not do online dating or dating at all for that matter. Anyway, so I thought I was done at this point, but this is a Mexican birthday party, so the tequila came out. Don Julio to be precise. Consequently, I decided on a whim that this is my last effort to engage with this guy. So, I walk him over a small glass of tequila (like a shot of Tylenol for toddlers). I offer it to him, and he proceeds to spend the next 5 minutes explaining that he does not want it. Okay, cool, next option vodka (he's Russian). Still no. BTW he drinks, I have seen him, I got him the beer earlier, so it was not like a pushing a drink on a recovering alcohol or teetotaler. I am pretty sure it must be me, I could have probably offered him a glass of Manischewitz at this point and he wouldn't take it. The only brightside is he actually talked to me, however, the refusals continued and this was beginning to not only feel awkward but look awkward, so I walked away and drank the tequila. Hell, I don't even like tequila. The real nail in the coffin, however, was that he went in the house and makes coffee. FUCKING COFFEE!!!! Then mutual friend has the never to come over and ask me, "how's it going." My response, dead, it is dead in the water...OMG give me another drink. 

I Just Want to Be Friends, Really!!!! aka Thank God There is More than One Shit-Show in This Town

So, as a continuation of this weekend's misadventures of a single mom, I was reminded of just how hard it is to make single parent friends, especially those of the opposite sex. In both my professional and personal life, it is super hard to find single parent friends. The majority of my friends are A) Married w/ or w/o kids or B) Single w/o kids.  And, if they are married w/ kids they are typically not suffering through the teen years. While great friends, they often do not want to hear (understandably so), or understand (completely), the travails of single parenting. So, when I find a member of the "tribe" it's like winning the monthly child support lottery, which by the way, I won this morning. This means that the spawn is really getting her Playstation 4 this weekend and I do not have to come up with yet another excuse.

I digress though. Anyway I know a friend through a friend, that happens to be divorced and single parenting and lives in the same town. Again, I am like, "OMG, I found one!!!!!" Let's be friends! Now comes the part where my Ph.D. with a focus in critical discourse analysis (aka language and power) is supposed to come into good use. All I have to do is message said friend with the caveat/headline of THIS IS NOT A SLEAZY PICK-UP, reveal myself as a member of "the tribe," and make the offer of a drink to offer support in our shared positions as single parents. I write the message, read it a few times to ensure that I am being crystal clear about my intent here, and hit send. Then I wait and soon learn that apparently, my papers are not worth a the money and the time I invested in them.....

His response, "You are a sweet young lady and I certainly did not read it as a pick up. Yes, I am divorced and doing the parenting thing. So the rest I am not sure how to answer. You have me speechless."

So, I wake up to the message and immediately, go into WTF mode. Now we have even more in common because now I am speechless too! Throughout the rest of the morning these really awkward back and forth exchanges occur including details about significant others (his end) and me reinforcing that I do not date, and that I really am just offering mutual single parenting commiseration. Takeaway here, it takes nine messages for me to establish my intent and also, I probably should not have been awarded that Ph.D. after all.

This story has a good ending though because we finally did talk the next day and it was worth the effort. Not only did I get to chat with someone from "the tribe," I really won the jackpot with this one because their single parenting shit-show matches and in some areas exceeds my own.

So, to summarize what I have learned from this misadventure:

1) Making friends as an adult is an ordeal
2) Dating is still more difficult that making friends as an adult (so this really experience was not that painful, more comical than anything)
3) There is more than one shit-show this town

I Just Want to Watch the Band

So the blog is officially back by popular demand! For those of you who are not aware, after an 8-year run with Specimen #2, things ultimately did not work out....SHOCKER! If interested in why said relationship did not suceed, might I recommend you read my blog posts from 2011 and 2012. The overarching (and longstanding) themes here are commitment issues and disappearing acts. Anyway, the silver lining here is that the blog is back and everyone gets a front-row seat to the 2018 edition of the Adventures of a Single Mom dating shit-show that has (un)officially gotten underway. I say unofficially because this single mom dating thing is super exhausting. These past few months have been a super deja vu of which the undergirding question is, do I really have to do this act again?

But I digress, on to the story.....

Last night, because all the girlfriends were out of town or sick and my brother was too busy night-fishing (not sure this was his activity but pretty sure it was), I reluctantly made the decision to go solo to see my friends' band at a local bar. This is one of those sketchy dive-like bars, I had not been there in 8+ years, and, at that point, it was called something else. Actually, the last time I was there I had the unfortunate luck of running into my daughter's biological father. On an aside, my daughter and I are still anxiously waiting to see if we are going to win what we call "The Child Support Lottery" this month. I am now convinced the place is cursed, but hell, after the demanding work week I just endured my judgement was clouded. An Audiobook and wine was not going to cut it, hence I turned the key in my ignition.

I arrived a little early, grabbed a gin and tonic and said "hi" to the members of the band, and sat down at my table to begin what I knew was going to be an epic show (not only the band, but also the audience). I should add uncomfortably sat down, because given the locale, I knew it would only be a matter of minutes before some random guy disturbed my tranquility. Salvation was at hand, however, when one of the band members asked if his wife and her friend could sit with me. I leaped at that opportunity with an enthusiasm that is only matched when I check my bank account and realize that daughter and I have won the monthly child support lottery sweepstakes. Things were great, we were a table of 3, the critical mass of women that is often necessary to ward off any unwanted male attention. Then came the moment I was dreading, the joint girlfriend bathroom run.

I remained for the bathroom run at the table, and like a good (un)social scientist I knew that it was time to be an unwilling independent variable in the uncontrolled experiment of getting hit on in the bar. No matter how hard one stares at her drink and tries to avoid interactions, the vultures start circling. Within a matter of seconds, the dependent variable landed in my personal space:

"Hi, I am X. What's your name? You're pretty...that bartender over there is my friend and noticed         you immediately when you walked in, he is shy though and would never talk to you, you should go say hi to him....where do you live, do you come here often?"

I responded with a fake name, and the classic lean-away, and then the litany of "no" responses to the all the questions. He finally went away and my friends returned from the bathroom run. The show had not even started. At one point, one of the band members even suggested I just say that I am dating someone from the band. This does not work for two reasons, 1) why lie? cause you always get caught and 2) if I said I was dating someone from the band that typically does not work and just begins the whole hegemonic masculinity competition thing. "Which one?," Is there here?, etc.... Anyway, after my friends returned from the bathroom, I decided to go get a drink from the bar outside before the show and ran into him again and two other guys. He did not even notice a second fake name I concocted. Again, the place is cursed. I created three fake names in total.

After set 1, much to my dismay, my critical mass went home and I was once again solo at the table. Luckily no more vultures. The band was fantastic but the side show was equally entertaining. Between the drunken dancing, hook-ups on the dance floor, broken glass and spilled drink and shattered glass on the dance floor (clean-up a la aisle 5), and the wedding party, I got some pretty good returns for my $5 cover. By the way, if I ever get married, which is a long shot at this point; if the groom offers to take me to Twains for the after party, we are going straight back to Annapolis for an annulment. Just saying, key takeaway here is that I just want to watch the band.

A Plea for Open Marriage-Life has Proven to Me Monogamy Isn't Worth Shit

Well all those “happy” marriages/relationships around me are slowly crumbling before my eyes and I am not talking about Seal and Heidi Klum. You know who I am talking about and it may very well be you. Now don’t get me wrong, I still love you all, and you can’t deny it, considering I routinely serve as your pro bono marriage/relationship counselor.  Moreover, who better to advise you all on the ropes of single life than the perennial bachelorette in residence?

With that being said, I have to admit that the marriages around me that aren’t crumbling have one thing in common-they are open. On a side note, it pains me to admit that Newt Gingrich and I can actually agree on something. Unlike the monogamous marriage/relationships around me that are on the rocks, the open marriages, while yes they have arguments, are not arguing over issues of trust or jealousy. They are cutting up over who is going to take the trash out, an argument I fantasize about having because it would mean that someone besides me is available to do that task. Think about it, your man (or woman, I am equal opportunity here) is going through your cell phone records, your emails, or following you around while the opens are arguing about the trash lol. I know I am over-simplifying but you get the point. There are many reasons why marriages fail but this whole boredom and infidelity issues seems to be a constant theme in the relationships I’m exposed to.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it is not just from watching all of you that I have drawn this conclusion; it is also from personal experience. In the two serious monogamous relationships I have been involved in, both have centered on control and the stifling of my freedom and individuality. I found that I became a thing, an object, and a commodity, something that could be exclusively claimed and possessed. From my own perspective, I found this very disempowering. I couldn’t even make a sideways glance at another breathing man or woman for that matter. I was accused of cheating so much that oh my god, I wanted to go out and cheat on the both of them just to prove they weren’t insane. One ex even went so far as accusing me of being an online porn star-that was the last thing he ever accused me of.

I guess at this point I have to address the “L” word, of which there are two:  “love” and “lust,” both of which I believe are a normal part of the human condition. People are always mixing the two and even I am guilty of it on occasion. I do, however, think they can both work together as long as they aren't confused. I just don’t believe humans were designed to be monogamous; marriage is after all a social institution, as is practically everything else.As a matter a fact, it is a failure of a man-made institution if you ask me but I can only challenge one institution at a time and tonight it's monogamy.  So there you have it, my plea, albeit brief, for open marriage/relationships because my experience with monogamy has demonstrated it isn’t worth a shit more of my time.

Finally, on an end note, in case you were wondering, I have no plans to sleep with your husband/boyfriend…….At least not tonight JK

Laundry-My Best Option on a Monday Night

Maybe I'm just too nice or too dumb, probably a combination of the two but Specimen #2 never ceases to amaze me with his Houdini-like disappearing acts. In fact, he is about as regular in my life as the feedback I receive on my dissertation from my chair, few, far and in between and you're always pissed off afterwards---I mean really pissed off. I think the only difference between #2 and the dissertation is that at least with the dissertation I am making some sort of linear progress, whereas with him it's like this endless circular argument. Maybe I am insane? Didn't Einstein says insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result? I don't know, I mean how many rain checks does he get to have before I can combine them in the form of some ultimate 5-day cruise get-away package? Doesn't matter anyway because you couldn't get an rsvp out of him anyway,  he can't commit to anything, because he is always waiting for the better option and if he does commit he always manages like Houdini to find his way out of it. I mean how in the hell do you tell someone let's go to dinner for their birthday then take off on a vacation with your brother instead. Then proceed to float in and out of my life for the next two-months with little to nil communication and then all the sudden say "Hey, let's go to dinner for your birthday?" A good friend of mine once told me that "men only go as far as the women in their lives allow them to." So yeah, I am probably culpable for allowing this type of behavior to continue in the first place but I must say today I felt a little empowered and a little more rational in responding to the 2-month belated birthday dinner offer. Rather than jump at the opportunity for dinner and company this time, I actually thought this one through and realized that it was a Monday and that I haven't heard from him for over 2 weeks. From those two realizations I was able to deduce (which doesn't take an Einstein) that there obviously wasn't a better option in his life today and that I was his last option to fill the void in his endless array of drinking, rock concerts, cars and frat activities. Instead of being insane and going to dinner, however, I opted for the inner-self respect of knowing that I am never going to allow myself to be anyone's last option and decided to instead settle for my "better option" which is my laundry because unlike him, at least, when I run my dirty clothes through the wash they come out clean at the end of the cycle.

It's time for me to get serious for once

I know I haven’t had been absent from the blog scene for quite some time. I have been caught up with living my life by focusing on my child, my career, finishing that damn dissertation proposal, settling on my first condo and assessing the people in my life—dating has not really figured into this equation, or has it? I am not sure of the answer to that question, only time will tell. All of that aside, I am at a point where I believe it is time to reflect, share and hope that my experiences can offer some help and support to readers who are married or single.

I may joke about being a single mom but the truth is it is an extremely hard existence-especially without the other parent involved. It is a 24/7 struggle to hold everything together and make everything happen and create for my child the most “normal” existence possible when she is constantly surrounded by friends with married parents or my friends in committed relationships. For myself, while I love my friends and am genuinely happy that they have found someone in their life, it is sometimes difficult to go to those group events as the “third wheel” because I have nothing to say about anniversaries, date night, flowers, family game night or family day. It is hard hosting a birthday party for your child as a single mom when all her friends show up as married family units. I’m going to be honest; it’s hard to watch everyone’s engagements, marriages and pregnancies.

That is simply not the right attitude. The truth is: it’s not them, it’s me. While it has been unbearably difficult at times, I have been slowly learning to be content with what I have. It is not that bad at all. I think I have come to this conclusion as more and more single moms and dads have been coming to me for support and advice on the same scenarios I have described in my more comical blogs. I used to envision myself as the last person anyone should come to for advice on this topic, but honestly just the opportunity to share tips and stories with them has also helped me in my healing process and made me a better person.

The biggest suggestion I can give to anyone single or (un) happily married is to remember the power of the mirror. Many of us are simply unwilling or too afraid to hold it up and look directly into it because we know we will not like what we see. Remember if you don’t like what you see, only you have the power to fix it. As I always tell people, I cannot change the world, I can only change myself. Reassess those situations and people around you that make you unhappy and remove yourself from them because you can only control yourself not others.  Stop blaming the world; it’s futile, work on yourself.

Most recently and I am embarrassed to admit that it was recently, it finally dawned on me that I needed to make some life changes---MY LIFE CHANGES, not other people’s lives, but mine. The first was, if I don’t want to go out as the third wheel, just turn down the invite and find contentment in a book, a TV show or take my daughter to the park. Seek out people that I have things in common with. If I don’t feel happy in certain environments, avoid them. It is okay to be a little selfish sometimes and think about myself.

The second, and more difficult area, has been my relationships with others. There are certain people in my life that need to go because if they don’t, then I really can’t blame them for hurting me or bringing me down because, as I already stated, I can only change myself not people. Hold the mirror up and realize that you permit their presence and their behavior and you can really only blame yourself for allowing it to continue. I can assure you that once these individuals are gone, you will not really be missing out on anything, instead wishing you had done it sooner.

In other relationships, one in particular, I need to change to be better, because they deserve the best I have to offer as a friend. I need to be a little more understanding and a lot less defensive, a little more compassionate and a lot less selfish. I may not always agree with them and they may disappoint me at times but I need to learn to see things from their perspective before I become one of those people in their lives that need to go. I need to learn to channel my emotions and step back and ask myself, “should I really be upset with them for this.” Does this one event really have an impact on our whole relationship? The answer most of the time is “No.” The truth is I realized recently that I have one of the best friends in the world and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

What I am trying to say is that we all need to stop taking the situations and the people in our lives for granted, even if things or the relationship isn’t exactly what we want it to be. We need to stop having expectations and start living. The bottom line is married or single-we all need to stop whining and just be thankful for what and who we have because it can all be gone in a second. I have drawn inspiration from two recent events, the tragic murder of my dear friend by her husband and the amazing perseverance of my good friend as he successfully battled cancer. If you don’t take anything away from this post, I hope that you will remember the following: Days will be hard, things will fall apart and not go our way, people will betray and hurt us, tragedies abound, but we must take control of our own destiny and never lose sight of the fact that we are still alive.  

Oh and I promise I will have more comedy to follow J

Who's your Daddy??????

I have had a few requests for a blog post lately but I haven’t had any good material lately….which is probably not a bad thingJ. Additionally I have been on a much needed vacation from the specimens. Part of this vacation has included celebrating the first official “Single Mother’s Day” or should I say night. I have decided that this will be a recurring holiday, which will fall on the weekends when my girlfriend’s daughter is visiting her father and my mother has to work because yes my daughter’s amazing grandmother only wants her when she is at work. Anyway, I think this gives us like 26 nights of ceviche, mixed drinks and man bashing a year. You all are probably wondering why we just don’t go away for the weekend. The answer is simple, her baby’s daddy and my parents will only take the children overnight (i.e. when they are sleeping). This means Single Mother’s Day always ends a little early because we got to go get those kids at 6am. My single mother sidekick should probably write for this blog too cause her specimens are just as bad as mine. Anyway, up until recently, I was happily discovering the empowering joys of Single Motherhood and the comforting feeling that I am not alone, so I haven’t really had anything to rant about…peace, calm, serenity—ENTER MY CHILD.

So it’s the 4^th of July and this year and I am at my girlfriend’s house party, with child (no not pregnant but with my child lol), having a good time enjoying the food, watching 10 bottles of patron getting shot up into the air (that would be the fireworks) and the always entertaining aggravation her little cousin subjects me to (last week I got a cupcake smashed in my face). Of course, since it’s a party, I get to reprise my favorite role of resident single mommy but this is my 2^nd family so it’s okay. No worries, no drama, not so fast, that’s what the 6 year old child is for, apparently to get me back for all the times I have publically embarrassed her. I should probably take down the Facebook picture of her dancing. This, however, was my child at her all-time shockingly best. You know that saying “children say the darndest things?” Let’s just say the child of a chronically single mom says the darndest things, especially in this case since only my child could start a mini-riot and come out unscathed.  

So to set the scene, I’m sitting on the couch with my ever-so aggravating guy friend, yes people just friend. I think the conversation topic was Denver, Colorado and here comes my child down the stairs as serious as ever: “Mr. so and so I think you are going to be my Dad.” Yeah I almost spilled my drink; she went from trying to pick out a house to trying to pick out a daddy. This is a first. Why couldn’t I have a normal child that asks questions like, “Where are the chips” or “I am thirsty?” Instead I end up with Ms. Who’s My Daddy. Luckily there were not that many witnesses, but at that moment, I would have loved to have been in Denver, you know leaning over the edge of one of those mountain peaks, in shear mortification, getting ready to jump but then my child would be shopping for two parents. And, considering she chooses random people…..

Of course though it gets better because this is my life we are talking about. So my reaction is to try to smooth over the ludicrously with a “let me apologize for my child’s outrageous comment walk” because I was definitely not having that conversation in public. In hindsight, this wasn’t a good choice, but in my state of shock and embarrassment and three drinks, I didn’t really think that one out. It’s good to know if I ever go missing, especially with one of the male sex, an all points bulletin will be issued within 3 minutes. To continue, halfway down the road I get the “suspicious” phone call from my friend because if a single mom takes a walk in the dark with a guy the familial accusations fly. I should have answered the “Where are you two at question” with in the closet upstairs LOL but as a trusted friend she of course understood and actually found it funny, reassuring her cousin that my daughter only made that comment because he is the only white guy friend I have. NOTED. Apparently my daughter doesn’t want a Spanish father; I will have to add that to my list of requirements: Must not be Spanish or better yet, Spanish need not apply. Luckily, to my relief, my friend found my daughter’s comment funny, funny enough for a Facebook post. Me, I was mortified, but that’s okay, because at the next party I’m going to be that single mother walking around asking all the little kids if they will be my “replacement” daughter.