Well all those “happy” marriages/relationships around me are slowly crumbling before my eyes and I am not talking about Seal and Heidi Klum. You know who I am talking about and it may very well be you. Now don’t get me wrong, I still love you all, and you can’t deny it, considering I routinely serve as your pro bono marriage/relationship counselor. Moreover, who better to advise you all on the ropes of single life than the perennial bachelorette in residence?
With that being said, I have to admit that the marriages around me that aren’t crumbling have one thing in common-they are open. On a side note, it pains me to admit that Newt Gingrich and I can actually agree on something. Unlike the monogamous marriage/relationships around me that are on the rocks, the open marriages, while yes they have arguments, are not arguing over issues of trust or jealousy. They are cutting up over who is going to take the trash out, an argument I fantasize about having because it would mean that someone besides me is available to do that task. Think about it, your man (or woman, I am equal opportunity here) is going through your cell phone records, your emails, or following you around while the opens are arguing about the trash lol. I know I am over-simplifying but you get the point. There are many reasons why marriages fail but this whole boredom and infidelity issues seems to be a constant theme in the relationships I’m exposed to.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it is not just from watching all of you that I have drawn this conclusion; it is also from personal experience. In the two serious monogamous relationships I have been involved in, both have centered on control and the stifling of my freedom and individuality. I found that I became a thing, an object, and a commodity, something that could be exclusively claimed and possessed. From my own perspective, I found this very disempowering. I couldn’t even make a sideways glance at another breathing man or woman for that matter. I was accused of cheating so much that oh my god, I wanted to go out and cheat on the both of them just to prove they weren’t insane. One ex even went so far as accusing me of being an online porn star-that was the last thing he ever accused me of.
I guess at this point I have to address the “L” word, of which there are two: “love” and “lust,” both of which I believe are a normal part of the human condition. People are always mixing the two and even I am guilty of it on occasion. I do, however, think they can both work together as long as they aren't confused. I just don’t believe humans were designed to be monogamous; marriage is after all a social institution, as is practically everything else.As a matter a fact, it is a failure of a man-made institution if you ask me but I can only challenge one institution at a time and tonight it's monogamy. So there you have it, my plea, albeit brief, for open marriage/relationships because my experience with monogamy has demonstrated it isn’t worth a shit more of my time.
Finally, on an end note, in case you were wondering, I have no plans to sleep with your husband/boyfriend…….At least not tonight JK
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