I know I haven’t had been absent from the blog scene for quite some time. I have been caught up with living my life by focusing on my child, my career, finishing that damn dissertation proposal, settling on my first condo and assessing the people in my life—dating has not really figured into this equation, or has it? I am not sure of the answer to that question, only time will tell. All of that aside, I am at a point where I believe it is time to reflect, share and hope that my experiences can offer some help and support to readers who are married or single.
I may joke about being a single mom but the truth is it is an extremely hard existence-especially without the other parent involved. It is a 24/7 struggle to hold everything together and make everything happen and create for my child the most “normal” existence possible when she is constantly surrounded by friends with married parents or my friends in committed relationships. For myself, while I love my friends and am genuinely happy that they have found someone in their life, it is sometimes difficult to go to those group events as the “third wheel” because I have nothing to say about anniversaries, date night, flowers, family game night or family day. It is hard hosting a birthday party for your child as a single mom when all her friends show up as married family units. I’m going to be honest; it’s hard to watch everyone’s engagements, marriages and pregnancies.
That is simply not the right attitude. The truth is: it’s not them, it’s me. While it has been unbearably difficult at times, I have been slowly learning to be content with what I have. It is not that bad at all. I think I have come to this conclusion as more and more single moms and dads have been coming to me for support and advice on the same scenarios I have described in my more comical blogs. I used to envision myself as the last person anyone should come to for advice on this topic, but honestly just the opportunity to share tips and stories with them has also helped me in my healing process and made me a better person.
The biggest suggestion I can give to anyone single or (un) happily married is to remember the power of the mirror. Many of us are simply unwilling or too afraid to hold it up and look directly into it because we know we will not like what we see. Remember if you don’t like what you see, only you have the power to fix it. As I always tell people, I cannot change the world, I can only change myself. Reassess those situations and people around you that make you unhappy and remove yourself from them because you can only control yourself not others. Stop blaming the world; it’s futile, work on yourself.
Most recently and I am embarrassed to admit that it was recently, it finally dawned on me that I needed to make some life changes---MY LIFE CHANGES, not other people’s lives, but mine. The first was, if I don’t want to go out as the third wheel, just turn down the invite and find contentment in a book, a TV show or take my daughter to the park. Seek out people that I have things in common with. If I don’t feel happy in certain environments, avoid them. It is okay to be a little selfish sometimes and think about myself.
The second, and more difficult area, has been my relationships with others. There are certain people in my life that need to go because if they don’t, then I really can’t blame them for hurting me or bringing me down because, as I already stated, I can only change myself not people. Hold the mirror up and realize that you permit their presence and their behavior and you can really only blame yourself for allowing it to continue. I can assure you that once these individuals are gone, you will not really be missing out on anything, instead wishing you had done it sooner.
In other relationships, one in particular, I need to change to be better, because they deserve the best I have to offer as a friend. I need to be a little more understanding and a lot less defensive, a little more compassionate and a lot less selfish. I may not always agree with them and they may disappoint me at times but I need to learn to see things from their perspective before I become one of those people in their lives that need to go. I need to learn to channel my emotions and step back and ask myself, “should I really be upset with them for this.” Does this one event really have an impact on our whole relationship? The answer most of the time is “No.” The truth is I realized recently that I have one of the best friends in the world and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
What I am trying to say is that we all need to stop taking the situations and the people in our lives for granted, even if things or the relationship isn’t exactly what we want it to be. We need to stop having expectations and start living. The bottom line is married or single-we all need to stop whining and just be thankful for what and who we have because it can all be gone in a second. I have drawn inspiration from two recent events, the tragic murder of my dear friend by her husband and the amazing perseverance of my good friend as he successfully battled cancer. If you don’t take anything away from this post, I hope that you will remember the following: Days will be hard, things will fall apart and not go our way, people will betray and hurt us, tragedies abound, but we must take control of our own destiny and never lose sight of the fact that we are still alive.
Oh and I promise I will have more comedy to follow J
Serious indeed! I understand your perspective as a single mother just as I would think you understand my perspective as a married mother. You sit on one end of the spectrum and I on the other. Regardless of status, one should learn to be happy from within and not depend upon or look to someone else to provide it for them. We live in a society where our lives are influenced by living according to the ways of others. We are told what we should and should not do, what is right and wrong, never really following what we in our hearts want to do. The only laws I try to follow are that of my Lord but even I struggle with that. Life is a lesson itself, if we do not live it, we do not learn it, then maybe understanding the "laws". You are smart enough to know you do not "need" someone but it's the "want" someone so do not be brought down by others statuses. We can all paint a pretty picture but only the ones in the painting know the details. You are not alone. While you are in the process of making changes, which will happen randomly for the rest of your life, note this: Do not be hard on myself. Do not compare myself to others. You should not underestimate the value of your accomplishments and what your life is, which I admire. Our lives may in some ways be different but we both want what each other has. This is a whole another blog in itself. When we have what we want or what we think we want, is it really what we want to begin with? When we have what we want it's not always what we thought we wanted. Therefore, take care of your needs (priorities), not the will of others and your wants will fall into place. It all boils down to one little word, happiness. Learn that, along with peace and you can conquer all. On a comical note, just think, if you were the older friend, maybe you would be married and you would not be the younger friend blogging about the adventures of a single mom on a more serious note! Are you ready to trade places yet? :)
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